Depending on who's eyes your looking through you can say its a long time until you leave for fl. In school we learned about the growth plates and how there is an open space that even though its continuously building up its not really closed. Soon though the brain will send a signal saying okay your done now its time completely close until the space is no more. This is a great comparison to how my heart is at this point. Yes its a while until you leave but those spaces in my heart are still there from last time and it hurts. I know it will one day be filled but its there and its open and Its like a big hole and some days I feel like I can no longer take it. I look in the review mirror at your smile and with every hug my heart breaks because it feels like tomorrow we will be saying bye. I know it isn't forever but as for now it feels like a lifetime. I also heard a story about a guy running a race and each member included in this race is carrying a log or burden. Well one particular member wanted to win really bad so he prayed... Lord please lighten my burden I want to win. So Heavenly father chopped some of his log while the others carried theirs. He ran up and got ahead... down the road he slowed down and prayed again for his burden to be lightened so once again his log was cut shorter again while the others carried the original log/burden. The came to a cliff and had no way to cross he begins to look around and can find no way to get across mean while the other members use their log. Sometimes our burden is not lightened for a reason it helps prepare us for what is up ahead. One day I'm sure you'll hear that story much better than I could tell it. I miss you already, I know I should forget about it for now but the thought and constant hurt just builds. I don't want to let you go. I want to hold you and your brother and sister forever. I need you more than you could ever need me. I hope you know how much your dad and I love you. You bring our family together and we enjoy you everyday. We its night night time love You mads!!
-a worried mommy
Why does it hurt so bad and her departure is so far away? It seriously haunts me, everywhere I turn I think about that moment when she leaves my arms and jumps into theirs, the moment that they are most excited for but I dread.
Its days until the unfortunate time of her leaving. Its so hard to just "enjoy the time I have her" when all that I can think about is the empty car seat, her empty room and the empty space she will leave in my heart.
I've heard it all before I know I have two other children, and a full semester of school ahead but
that cannot and will not now or ever replace the empty feeling of being without one of my children. I become obsessed with the thought of what she could be doing at every moment of everyday, and I cannot help to wonder what little moments I am missing out on.
Nothing can replace my little Madison. I am always accused of favoring her over my other children when is not true, I just feel that I have to protect her twice as much as the other children because I know that they will always be by my side and be safe in my arms, but Maddie has to leave and I have to put my faith in our Heavenly Father and her grandmother that she will not be put in harms way. There is a lot of sleepless nights and I've already cried more times than I can count and she hasn't even left yet. I seriously just hold her and rock her and repeat my love for her over and over and over. I hope she knows my love for her.
Another thing I often think of is the possibility of something happening and her not being able to return, I seriously fear this, but having a testimony of our Temple and the amazing work that is done there and knowing of my Heavenly Fathers love for us and that families can be eternal. Through the next little while I am going to let people look through my eyes, my hurt and my pain, but at the same time know of how I cope with these things and how the atonement works in my life.
I haven't heard the story of the race with the log. That's a good one. I know trials aren't fun. I've had some myself. But I have always grown from them. And they've always helped remind me that the Lord knows me and is mindful of me.
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