Madison anxiety attacks.

Last night I had what I like to call a Maddie anxiety attach. In a split moment I realize that it is so close to her leaving, and start freaking out and I usually end up crying really hard until I fall asleep.

Last night I had just gotten out of the shower, and was talking to my husband about my Finals week coming up, and we are also doing a 5k Next weekend when I realized that this weekend and next weekend are it. We will have no more weekends, and with my husband doing 46 hours a week he will not get to spend time with her and I wont either. So I began to cry and blubber.

As I began to fall asleep in the arms of my Eternal companion still crying as he ran his fingers through my hair I realized something.

I was being completely selfish and unfair, to myself, my husband, our family, Madison, and our Heavenly Father, for he has blessed

us with this time. He is the one who blessed us with

her presence in the first place.

So I completely stopped crying and I didn't pray, no I poured out my soul to our Father in Heaven. I completely changed tune. It

was completely remarkable. I "bucked up" (TOFW reference) after laying my burden upon his feet I immediately began to thank him.

That's right in the middle of being that upset about Maddie I thanked him.

It is not easy. No. not at all, and as I want to cry now. I wont.

No ill go and pour out my soul so our Heavenly Father can feel me with hope and love, and most of all FAITH. There will come a time in 19 days

when I will hug Maddie and I will have to let go.

I will have to say okay Heavenly Father, she is now yours.

Watch over, guide and protect her.

As I was crying something came into my mind. It was a voice that I am not familiar with and I never would have thought this, so I know the

spirit said,

"She chose you"

 

 What a powerful statement. Just those three words.

She chose me and this life, and she can do this, just as I can. My heart was heavy but I was assured that she would be okay.

We will be okay as individuals and as a family.

20 Days until I watch part of my heart walk away.

This is from my personal journal a couple of weeks ago

Depending on who's eyes your looking through you can say its a long time until you leave for fl. In school we learned about the growth plates and how there is an open space that even though its continuously building up its not really closed. Soon though the brain will send a signal saying okay your done now its time completely close until the space is no more. This is a great comparison to how my heart is at this point. Yes its a while until you leave but those spaces in my heart are still there from last time and it hurts. I know it will one day be filled but its there and its open and Its like a big hole and some days I feel like I can no longer take it.  I look in the review mirror at your smile and with every hug my heart breaks because it feels like tomorrow we will be saying bye. I know it isn't forever but as for now it feels like a lifetime. I also heard a story about a guy running a race and each member included in this race is carrying a log or burden. Well one particular member wanted to win really bad so he prayed... Lord please lighten my burden I want to win. So Heavenly father chopped some of his log while the others carried theirs. He ran up and got ahead... down the road he slowed down and prayed again for his burden to be lightened so once again his log was cut shorter again while the others carried the original log/burden. The came to a cliff and had no way to cross he begins to look around and can find no way to get across mean while the other members use their log. Sometimes our burden is not lightened for a reason it helps prepare us for what is up ahead. One day I'm sure you'll hear that story much better than I could tell it. I miss you already, I know I should forget about it for now but the thought and constant hurt just builds. I don't want to let you go. I want to hold you and your brother and sister forever. I need you more than you could ever need me. I hope you know how much your dad and I love you.  You bring our family together and we enjoy you everyday. We its night night time love You mads!!
-a worried mommy

Why does it hurt so bad and her departure is so far away? It seriously haunts me, everywhere I turn I think about that moment when she leaves my arms and jumps into theirs, the moment that they are most excited for but I dread.

Its  days until the unfortunate time of her leaving. Its so hard to just "enjoy the time I have her" when all that I can think about is the empty car  seat, her empty room and the empty space she will leave in my heart.

I've heard it all before I know I have two other children, and a full semester of school ahead but

that cannot and will not now or ever replace the empty feeling of being without one of my children. I become obsessed with the thought of what she could be doing at every moment of everyday, and I cannot help to wonder what little moments I am missing out on.

Nothing can replace my little Madison. I am always accused of favoring her over my other children when is not true, I just feel that I have to protect her twice as much as the other children because I know that they will always be by my side and be safe in my arms, but Maddie has to leave and I have to put my faith in our Heavenly Father and her grandmother that she will not be put in harms way. There is a lot of sleepless nights and I've already cried more times than I can count and she hasn't even left yet. I seriously just hold her and rock her and repeat my love for her over and over and over. I hope she knows my love for her.

Another thing I often think of is the possibility of something happening and her not being able to return, I seriously fear this, but having a testimony of our Temple and the amazing work that is done there and knowing of my Heavenly Fathers love for us and that families can be eternal. Through the next little while I am going to let people look through my eyes, my hurt and my pain, but at the same time know of how I cope with these things and how the atonement works in my life.

The trials we face together, not alone.

We all have trials, correct? As much as I hate the ones in my life I feel that

they are necessary, not because I like them or enjoy going through any of it, but

because it helps us grow, or prepares us for what is coming to us in the future.

As mentioned before Madison is not Cameron's and goes to her dad's for

the summer and every once in a while.

This is something that is normal and that all children do,

however Madison goes 1237 miles away for 3 months, if your a mother than you can probably empathize with me and how I must feel just a little bit.

Madison goes to a house that where they do not have a religion to teach, or the

same values we have, so normally when we get her back every time we pass Mc Donalds

Her normal reaction is to ask for sweet tea. I guess most people do not realize that

what the child is actually doing besides simply going to visit the other parent.

She is completely uprooted from her family here including her sisters.

She goes on a completely different schedule, things she is not used to

She gets a completely different set of rules.

Trying to look through her eyes it probably is a kind of shocking experience don't you think.

I'm sure she loves seeing her family down there don't get me wrong, but I'm just saying it may be hard on her as well, and then she gets used to being down there and comes back,

Yes, I do feel bad for her, all of the time. She asks about the other family and loves them dearly

I see I know.

This blog though is going to be in the perspective of my eyes, so that way you can really get a grasp of what I go through in this time, some of my thoughts and what is going on in my head, and mostly just my feelings. I may rant a little but I want to also show how I am coping and how I help myself get better.

Life as I know it.

21 Years young.

1 Eternal Companion

3 Perfect Children

Sealed. Blessed.

Doesn't it sound like the perfect life? Sure does, but under a microscope everyone has something that is not so perfect. We all have flaws and we all have trials.

 

What do I say about my trials? Let me share what I have been through and how you can face these things head on.

 

I was born on April 1st (worst birthday ever if you ask me) I have zero pictures of this day, however I imagine that I was a perfect little being as all newborns are. I was not raised in the typical way

that most children are. Well these days they are. My dad and mom split up when I was four and I remember every second of the fight and I actually remember the color of his suit case, comparable to the same green I find in my children's diapers. After that it was step dad after step dad.

To put it simple I have been physically, mentally and sexually abused.

There was a time in my life that I had no where to go nothing to turn to and about that time

I came across the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Just in case you are wondering that is my eternal companion <3 yeah I am

just as excited as you.

This is December 6, 2008 (in Florida as you can tell)

This was such a great day in my life. However shortly after being baptized I found out that I had been expecting my first child this whole time. So actually two were baptized on this day.

She is the glue that holds our family together. She is one of the strongest person I know.

My husband and I were married on Nov. 1st, 2010 we had a civil marriage.

Those words to Death do you part and the saddest words ever. It is so hard to imagine that I eventually we would be separated. From this point on we had one goal in mind. To be sealed for time and all eternity. Which we did !!!

December 17, 2011 was one of the best days of my life.

 

We are getting ahead of ourselves, in between the marriage and sealing was a blessing that we cherish deeply, Mr. Bentley Brent!

 

This little stud cupcake (hubby is the stud muffin) has filled our lives with much joy and happiness, he really has been such a blessing in our lives. He has also made us realize exactly how fast this life goes by and how important it is to be the line in the sand between our children and evil.

 

This is our family picture after being sealed. What a great blessing it is to finally be sealed. They looked so amazing coming in there all reverent and dressed in white (which never ever happens).

 

I started school in Iowa and I am working towards my Associates in Applied Sciences. I do my externship this fall!

Recently we had our third child, Camryn Belle Weston.



 

This picture is probably one of my most tear jerking pictures I have.

Let me explain.

Behind that blue curtain is of course me, but also my husband.

We are both in tears to hear our brand new baby girl.

This is our first view of her, but more important that most people would not realize,

is the guy showing her to us who assisted in this surgery is my Father-in-Law.

He actually helped pull her out and I can remember looking over to see her and seeing her

and realizing that holding my precious child through her first cries is my Father-in-Law.

At this moment as I looked at our child, my Father-in-Law and my Husband is that we are already sealed. What a great experience it was.

 

I have been so blessed in this life. I am so excited to see how our lives unfold!

Oh and I cannot forget our rescue Loki...

That's my intro to my family <3