Let me tell you exactly how pathetic I am at the very time. I am so pathetic that I have to ENDURE the weekend. Endure it, not soak in it or enjoy it. I hate it. Completely. Is that not the saddest thing you have ever heard of. It finally shook me to the core this weekend how absolutely pathetic and miserable I am. Friday Cameron was off of work and I had taken my tests early and this is (not including our tri to Florida) about the 6th or 7th weekend that I had woken up and felt the need to not get up. I wasn't needed, Bentley pretty much plays by himself fine and Cammy is pretty easy. I sat in my bed ALL DAY, not just all day but all weekend besides Sundays and just curled up in my bed, getting up twice for the bathroom and staying here until bedtime when I just roll over and go to sleep. Did I mention that I can no longer eat, yea it makes me sick. I can hardly handle the Ensure that I drink. I can not be not needed. I love the weekdays, I am so busy that I wake up and it goes by so quick that I'm in bed before I know it. Where I can go all day and not have to sit and think about my daughter that is 1000+ miles away. I cant handle the fact of not talking to her it kills me.
Last weekend my family and I flew down along with Bentley boog to visit. It was a great visit and way too short, but she wants to come home, and she voiced that plenty. There was a point when I was washing her hair after getting out of the pool, she turned to me (keeping in mind this is my 3 year old) and said Mom, please don't leave me, pretty please? I know I'm the only one that felt it but on this day I felt the world just stop turning. I paused but she sat there staring at me waiting for my reply, In that moment all I kept asking myself
What do you say?
What do you say to your three year old daughter when the words just are not there? I'm pretty sure I could feel my heart breaking as I looked in her big blue eyes knowing that we have one hour left before dropping her off, it made the sound comparable to ice cracking waiting to burst. I could feel my lip quiver and even though I wanted to tell her about how horrible and unfortunate it is that she has no choice and mommy has to leave her behind and its not my fault to please not be mad at me, I found a stronger side of me, the one that stopped my quivering lips, and the sadness and said baby you have a Birthday party here and we will be picking you up before you know it. Stay here for a little longer for mommy, please?
She went on with her bath and all and I was okay.
That hour went by and we put her in the van and of course the weak side of me couldn't hold the tears back, so I asked my father in law for the hotel key and I went inside for just a short minute, and even though I still could not find any words I began to pray. I had one of the most heartfelt prayers that a person could possibly have, and it was one word. All I could get out was the word Please. After a little bit of crying and all the tears went away and I right there in the hallway of the hotel bent over with my head in my hands left my burden at our Saviors feet. I felt so relieved. I wiped my eyes and walked back out was able to stay strong through the rest of the transition. I found the strength to get Maddie excited to go back though I secretly wished she felt sad about me going. That is when you are being a real parent and realizing your potential as a Daughter of our Heavenly Father, in the moments that you're completely broken down, and still have the ability to turn the other cheek. I'm not perfect, which is why when I started I put all of my flaws out there in the start of this blog, but its the baby steps that help me reach the potential I have to exercise my power as a Daughter of my Heavenly Father.
