Baby Steps

It has been too long, I know that. I'm sorry for that, but its been so long because the road I'm going down just seems so hard. If we're being honest then I have to ask, Do you know what it is like to block out the thought of your own child because the very thought of your own child that you gave life to breaks your heart and within a split second brings a flood to your eyes?
       
Let me tell you exactly how pathetic I am at the very time. I am so pathetic that I have to ENDURE the weekend. Endure it, not soak in it or enjoy it. I hate it. Completely. Is that not the saddest thing you have ever heard of. It finally shook me to the core this weekend how absolutely pathetic and miserable I am. Friday Cameron was off of work and I had taken my tests early and this is (not including our tri to Florida) about the 6th or 7th weekend that I had woken up and felt the need to not get up. I wasn't needed, Bentley pretty much plays by himself fine and Cammy is pretty easy. I sat in my bed ALL DAY, not just all day but all weekend besides Sundays and just curled up in my bed, getting up twice for the bathroom and staying here until bedtime when I just roll over and go to sleep. Did I mention that I can no longer eat, yea it makes me sick. I can hardly handle the Ensure that I drink. I can not be not needed. I love the weekdays, I am so busy that I wake up and it goes by so quick that I'm in bed before I know it. Where I can go all day and not have to sit and think about my daughter that is 1000+ miles away. I cant handle the fact of not talking to her it kills me.

Last weekend my family and I flew down along with Bentley boog to visit. It was a great visit and way too short, but she wants to come home, and she voiced that plenty. There was a point when I was washing her hair after getting out of the pool, she turned to me (keeping in mind this is my 3 year old) and said Mom, please don't leave me, pretty please? I know I'm the only one that felt it but on this day I felt the world just stop turning. I paused but she sat there staring at me waiting for my reply, In that moment all I kept asking myself
What do you say?
What do you say to your three year old daughter when the words just are not there? I'm pretty sure I could feel my heart breaking as I looked in her big blue eyes knowing that we have one hour left before dropping her off, it made the sound comparable to ice cracking waiting to burst. I could feel my lip quiver and even though I wanted to tell her about how horrible and unfortunate it is that she has no choice and mommy has to leave her behind and its not my fault to please not be mad at me, I found a stronger side of me, the one that stopped my quivering lips, and the sadness and said baby you have a Birthday party here and we will be picking you up before you know it. Stay here for a little longer for mommy, please?
She went on with her bath and all and I was okay.
That hour went by and we put her in the van and of course the weak side of me couldn't hold the tears back, so I asked my father in law for the hotel key and I went inside for just a short minute, and even though I still could not find any words I began to pray. I had one of the most heartfelt prayers that a person could possibly have, and it was one word. All I could get out was the word Please. After a little bit of crying and all the tears went away and I right there in the hallway of the hotel bent over with my head in my hands left my burden at our Saviors feet. I felt so relieved. I wiped my eyes and walked back out was able to stay strong through the rest of the transition. I found the strength to get Maddie excited to go back though I secretly wished she felt sad about me going. That is when you are being a real parent and realizing your potential as a Daughter of our Heavenly Father, in the moments that you're completely broken down, and still have the ability to turn the other cheek. I'm not perfect, which is why when I started I put all of my flaws out there in the start of this blog, but its the baby steps that help me reach the potential I have to exercise my power as a Daughter of my Heavenly Father.

Feeling his love for us.

Today i took my daughter to a town about 20 mins away that i didnt know and for 45 mimutes my daughter walked along with me choosing people to hand a rose and a card to. This was such an amazing experience as i watched other people ask why and see their reactions for a 3 year old to say... i think you need a smile hand them a pretty rose and promptly walk away. It was amazing she would say mom i made them happy right? she put 3 of the roses and cards on car windshields which was cool to hide and see thier reaction. I love to watch our savior work through this little child. I decided to do this with her because i wanted to do something with her before she left that would teach her atleast one thing before going to a house without the church. The shock on peoples faces was great. She chose people at random and 3 cars and a mailbox. Below are pics of her before and a pic of what the card said. except it wont upload so ill do that now.... Im such a lucky mom. Sorry for any typos im on my phone.

 

She had red roses and a thank you card that said the following:

You have been chosen, not by me, but by my daughter to receive this letter. I’m not sure why she chose you, maybe because you just needed a smile or just a confirmation that someone cares and wants you to be happy and to have a great day today, and everyday. Thank you for being a part of our community, we appreciate and love you. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers though out the week. Thank you for allowing my small daughter Madison to be a vessel and feel her love for other people in the world to grow. Enjoy your day, may it be filled with smiles and laughs.

This is her first time ever doing this and I want you to know that no one else told us to do these things, I believe that through random acts of kindness and service to other we are able to soften our hearts, and truly learn the Savior’s love for us. May I testify to you that you are loved, you are a special part of this community. I believe that I am the line in the sand standing between my family and evil, and by teaching my daughter love, it will help her grow in service to others and create her own testimony of our Saviors love for us. Thank you for allowing her to do and learn these things.

Have a blessed day.

Victoria Weston

 

My trials do not define me.

After my last blog about Madison and Bentley playing together I literally got physically sick. I felt as if I was going to vomit any second and the spent yet another night crying something aweful. Lucky me. My husband sat me up (I didn't want to move) and we prayed together. Then something strange happened. I was completely overcome with bad emotions. I went from crying and feeling sorry for myself to hating the fact that she has to leave to complaining about my life you aould not believe the thoughts that consumed my mind. It changed my attitude completely I never have seem this side of myself. I realized what I was doing.

This reminded me of a time when I was pregnant with cammy our youngest and I was having this horrible day. I ran late for a very important meeting for my honors program and so then I sped and got a 200.00 ticket and then made it to school late and was kicked out of my program and then I failed an exam and then I lost my husbands 375.00 sunglases. .  It was a bad day so I went and got a cherry coke with tears streaming down my face I stirred my coke and look out side and began naming my blessings.
The temple
Sealed
House
Car
Companionship
Healthy babies
And then I named KFC's mashed potatoes (my craving)
And I smiled. I found a smile on a horrible day. It was amazing

So anyways last night after noticing my thoughts I stopped and just apologized to my Heavenly Father and told his i love my life and know he will help me through it abd then i repeated my trials will not define me. My trials will not define me. My trials will not define me. I fell asleep saying that in my head.
This morning I felt okay not physically sick but emotionally drained. Not to mention it is finals week. So I flipped through my Book of Mormon and this is what jumped out:
Mosiah 24
13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

Thank you Book of Morman (happy dance) always has my back!
So in closing:
MY TRIALS WILL NOT DEFINE ME.

I'm not alone in my suffering.

The other night I realized something quite silly... I am mot the only one that will miss our beloved daughter. Last night and we put our two oldest to bed, our son Bentley quickly ran into his sisters bed and began jumping on it, of course Madison joined him... we all had this joyous moment together. Cameron and I were laughing and Bentley and Madison were having such a great time. It soon came to an end as it was time for bed. As they stopped jumping in that moment I realized how much Bentley loved his darling sister and how close they were. They love each other so much. I couldn't help but for my heart to ache for our sweet boy. The exact thought to enter my head was... "They don't even know what will take place in 11 short days." I feel so bad for him. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder how he will feel and in what moment will he realize she is no longer here with us. I pray that he will remember her and not get too depressed. I wish this didn't have to happen.  My heart hurts not only for myself but for my children, all three of them and my husband who tries to stay strong just the same. 

Why is it getting so close?

A couple of weeks before we always go on the our family wizard website (in which we communicate) and ill write Madison's activities and some of her favorites, and certain things I like them to know, since she isn't there often and they do not have her for more than a couple of days through the holidays I keep them updated. Writing this today makes it all so real, and makes me sad and I cried the whole time. It stinks and it hurts. I know ill be okay, we are sealed and we will get through this.


-peanut butter
-fruit fruit fruit
apples
especially strawberries
cantaloupe
bananas
-chocolate milk has to be chocolate or strawberry she settles for nothing less. the dentist says that at night only water. Seriously. ONLY WATER. if she comes back with rotten teeth I blame you >.>
-pizza peperoni
-noodles drained with Italian dressing, if you want to know more text me
-steak with A1
- Bratwurst yumm!
-spaghetti
-bacon
-reses cereal
-cinn toast crunch cereal
if you give her lucky charms mike she will only eat the marshmallows.

read to her at night, make sure you tell her how much mommy loves misses her
don't let her forget her brother and other sister. Oh and Loki, he's important too.
She loves surprise kisses and random hugs, I like to squeeze extra tight just so she feels it :)
if you do this you will find that she will come up to you and do this all the time and its the cutest thing
she loves "nose"  kisses where you rub your nose on hers. Also I like to say maddie how much does mommy
love you and she will get a huge grin and open her arms as wide as she can and ill say that's sooo much and she
will run and knock you down and hug you.
Keep her manners up to par. If she doesn't say thank you say, what do you say? or tell her to ask nicely.
if you keep the tv on she will stay up all night. limit to one or two shows.
try to get her to make her bed in the morning, she isn't potty trained through the night just yet so pull ups are good she will tell you when she has to go

Madison anxiety attacks.

Last night I had what I like to call a Maddie anxiety attach. In a split moment I realize that it is so close to her leaving, and start freaking out and I usually end up crying really hard until I fall asleep.

Last night I had just gotten out of the shower, and was talking to my husband about my Finals week coming up, and we are also doing a 5k Next weekend when I realized that this weekend and next weekend are it. We will have no more weekends, and with my husband doing 46 hours a week he will not get to spend time with her and I wont either. So I began to cry and blubber.

As I began to fall asleep in the arms of my Eternal companion still crying as he ran his fingers through my hair I realized something.

I was being completely selfish and unfair, to myself, my husband, our family, Madison, and our Heavenly Father, for he has blessed

us with this time. He is the one who blessed us with

her presence in the first place.

So I completely stopped crying and I didn't pray, no I poured out my soul to our Father in Heaven. I completely changed tune. It

was completely remarkable. I "bucked up" (TOFW reference) after laying my burden upon his feet I immediately began to thank him.

That's right in the middle of being that upset about Maddie I thanked him.

It is not easy. No. not at all, and as I want to cry now. I wont.

No ill go and pour out my soul so our Heavenly Father can feel me with hope and love, and most of all FAITH. There will come a time in 19 days

when I will hug Maddie and I will have to let go.

I will have to say okay Heavenly Father, she is now yours.

Watch over, guide and protect her.

As I was crying something came into my mind. It was a voice that I am not familiar with and I never would have thought this, so I know the

spirit said,

"She chose you"

 

 What a powerful statement. Just those three words.

She chose me and this life, and she can do this, just as I can. My heart was heavy but I was assured that she would be okay.

We will be okay as individuals and as a family.

20 Days until I watch part of my heart walk away.

This is from my personal journal a couple of weeks ago

Depending on who's eyes your looking through you can say its a long time until you leave for fl. In school we learned about the growth plates and how there is an open space that even though its continuously building up its not really closed. Soon though the brain will send a signal saying okay your done now its time completely close until the space is no more. This is a great comparison to how my heart is at this point. Yes its a while until you leave but those spaces in my heart are still there from last time and it hurts. I know it will one day be filled but its there and its open and Its like a big hole and some days I feel like I can no longer take it.  I look in the review mirror at your smile and with every hug my heart breaks because it feels like tomorrow we will be saying bye. I know it isn't forever but as for now it feels like a lifetime. I also heard a story about a guy running a race and each member included in this race is carrying a log or burden. Well one particular member wanted to win really bad so he prayed... Lord please lighten my burden I want to win. So Heavenly father chopped some of his log while the others carried theirs. He ran up and got ahead... down the road he slowed down and prayed again for his burden to be lightened so once again his log was cut shorter again while the others carried the original log/burden. The came to a cliff and had no way to cross he begins to look around and can find no way to get across mean while the other members use their log. Sometimes our burden is not lightened for a reason it helps prepare us for what is up ahead. One day I'm sure you'll hear that story much better than I could tell it. I miss you already, I know I should forget about it for now but the thought and constant hurt just builds. I don't want to let you go. I want to hold you and your brother and sister forever. I need you more than you could ever need me. I hope you know how much your dad and I love you.  You bring our family together and we enjoy you everyday. We its night night time love You mads!!
-a worried mommy

Why does it hurt so bad and her departure is so far away? It seriously haunts me, everywhere I turn I think about that moment when she leaves my arms and jumps into theirs, the moment that they are most excited for but I dread.

Its  days until the unfortunate time of her leaving. Its so hard to just "enjoy the time I have her" when all that I can think about is the empty car  seat, her empty room and the empty space she will leave in my heart.

I've heard it all before I know I have two other children, and a full semester of school ahead but

that cannot and will not now or ever replace the empty feeling of being without one of my children. I become obsessed with the thought of what she could be doing at every moment of everyday, and I cannot help to wonder what little moments I am missing out on.

Nothing can replace my little Madison. I am always accused of favoring her over my other children when is not true, I just feel that I have to protect her twice as much as the other children because I know that they will always be by my side and be safe in my arms, but Maddie has to leave and I have to put my faith in our Heavenly Father and her grandmother that she will not be put in harms way. There is a lot of sleepless nights and I've already cried more times than I can count and she hasn't even left yet. I seriously just hold her and rock her and repeat my love for her over and over and over. I hope she knows my love for her.

Another thing I often think of is the possibility of something happening and her not being able to return, I seriously fear this, but having a testimony of our Temple and the amazing work that is done there and knowing of my Heavenly Fathers love for us and that families can be eternal. Through the next little while I am going to let people look through my eyes, my hurt and my pain, but at the same time know of how I cope with these things and how the atonement works in my life.

The trials we face together, not alone.

We all have trials, correct? As much as I hate the ones in my life I feel that

they are necessary, not because I like them or enjoy going through any of it, but

because it helps us grow, or prepares us for what is coming to us in the future.

As mentioned before Madison is not Cameron's and goes to her dad's for

the summer and every once in a while.

This is something that is normal and that all children do,

however Madison goes 1237 miles away for 3 months, if your a mother than you can probably empathize with me and how I must feel just a little bit.

Madison goes to a house that where they do not have a religion to teach, or the

same values we have, so normally when we get her back every time we pass Mc Donalds

Her normal reaction is to ask for sweet tea. I guess most people do not realize that

what the child is actually doing besides simply going to visit the other parent.

She is completely uprooted from her family here including her sisters.

She goes on a completely different schedule, things she is not used to

She gets a completely different set of rules.

Trying to look through her eyes it probably is a kind of shocking experience don't you think.

I'm sure she loves seeing her family down there don't get me wrong, but I'm just saying it may be hard on her as well, and then she gets used to being down there and comes back,

Yes, I do feel bad for her, all of the time. She asks about the other family and loves them dearly

I see I know.

This blog though is going to be in the perspective of my eyes, so that way you can really get a grasp of what I go through in this time, some of my thoughts and what is going on in my head, and mostly just my feelings. I may rant a little but I want to also show how I am coping and how I help myself get better.

Life as I know it.

21 Years young.

1 Eternal Companion

3 Perfect Children

Sealed. Blessed.

Doesn't it sound like the perfect life? Sure does, but under a microscope everyone has something that is not so perfect. We all have flaws and we all have trials.

 

What do I say about my trials? Let me share what I have been through and how you can face these things head on.

 

I was born on April 1st (worst birthday ever if you ask me) I have zero pictures of this day, however I imagine that I was a perfect little being as all newborns are. I was not raised in the typical way

that most children are. Well these days they are. My dad and mom split up when I was four and I remember every second of the fight and I actually remember the color of his suit case, comparable to the same green I find in my children's diapers. After that it was step dad after step dad.

To put it simple I have been physically, mentally and sexually abused.

There was a time in my life that I had no where to go nothing to turn to and about that time

I came across the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Just in case you are wondering that is my eternal companion <3 yeah I am

just as excited as you.

This is December 6, 2008 (in Florida as you can tell)

This was such a great day in my life. However shortly after being baptized I found out that I had been expecting my first child this whole time. So actually two were baptized on this day.

She is the glue that holds our family together. She is one of the strongest person I know.

My husband and I were married on Nov. 1st, 2010 we had a civil marriage.

Those words to Death do you part and the saddest words ever. It is so hard to imagine that I eventually we would be separated. From this point on we had one goal in mind. To be sealed for time and all eternity. Which we did !!!

December 17, 2011 was one of the best days of my life.

 

We are getting ahead of ourselves, in between the marriage and sealing was a blessing that we cherish deeply, Mr. Bentley Brent!

 

This little stud cupcake (hubby is the stud muffin) has filled our lives with much joy and happiness, he really has been such a blessing in our lives. He has also made us realize exactly how fast this life goes by and how important it is to be the line in the sand between our children and evil.

 

This is our family picture after being sealed. What a great blessing it is to finally be sealed. They looked so amazing coming in there all reverent and dressed in white (which never ever happens).

 

I started school in Iowa and I am working towards my Associates in Applied Sciences. I do my externship this fall!

Recently we had our third child, Camryn Belle Weston.



 

This picture is probably one of my most tear jerking pictures I have.

Let me explain.

Behind that blue curtain is of course me, but also my husband.

We are both in tears to hear our brand new baby girl.

This is our first view of her, but more important that most people would not realize,

is the guy showing her to us who assisted in this surgery is my Father-in-Law.

He actually helped pull her out and I can remember looking over to see her and seeing her

and realizing that holding my precious child through her first cries is my Father-in-Law.

At this moment as I looked at our child, my Father-in-Law and my Husband is that we are already sealed. What a great experience it was.

 

I have been so blessed in this life. I am so excited to see how our lives unfold!

Oh and I cannot forget our rescue Loki...

That's my intro to my family <3