I'm a Mom

I recently asked myself, as I looked at my messy house,

 with clothes that seem to get halfway folded and never make it to 

their designated drawers, and dishes that seem to be 

always piled in both sinks...

I signed up for this?

What does it take to be a Mom? 

Where is my instruction manual, and why on earth do I never feel good enough?

The unfortunate truth is that there is no manual.

There is no "right way". 

I wake up at 530 and get my babies up, dressed and ready, 

I proceed to pile three grumpy sleepy bodies in the car.

I double and triple check they have all they need, and because

I am so busy worried about them I tend to always forget everything I need.

Fair trade? I think so. I get out of the car every time I feel like I am

ready to put it in reverse because I forget a soccer ball that Bentley needs to hold,

or a Binky that Toot's spit out, and never forget her blankey

and as I drive out of the driveway I realize

that even though I remember to put our dog up, I completely left the front door open.

I then go to work, where my name is called a thousand more times, and fulfill the needs of my Doctor, Patients and my boss. 

At this point I probably forgot my money or my lunch, so i'll munch on what I have in my snack drawer.

I get to pick up my babies after work, which is normally around their bed time

so they tend to be grouchy and moody when I get them. I try to still ask about their day and normally

get zero reply.

This is all fine though because these days will pass and one day we will 

have amazing conversations about school and 

homework. I look forward to these days

Night time is a lot worse than waking up.

They are grouchy and each of them want about

a thousand things each.

They all need my undivided attention and being

one person seems to not be enough. 

I get them a quick dinner because, I 

am not perfect and look forward to the quiet bubble bath 

that I long for. I always put

my youngest down first. Cammy, who tends to cry a lot but I just smile and sing anyways

because I am certain (i hope) that this too will pass.

Next is Maddie, because she is upstairs with

Cammy and why not just go in order. 

Maddie always wants

a story and she tends to not care what it is about

so I secretly cut hers short because her OCD brother needs

8 books read, and I really want my bubble bath (sorry Mads)

Bentley takes about 20 mins to get down, 

being high maintenance he needs his

tickles, and read to and cuddle on.

Finally with all of the kids to bed I

look around and see my sinks full, laundry overflowing and 

an empty tub that needs me in it. 

At this point exhaustion has hit me

like a ton

of bricks. 

There comes a time when I have to tell myself...

It's okay to not be perfect.

Some nights are worse then others.

IT'S OKAY.

Parenting 101.

-no one is in the same exact situation, refrain from comparing yourself to the perfect parents. They have flaws and so do you

-these precious babies are a blessing and a gift. They will remember your cuddles and tickles more than the toys on the floor or the laundry pile. You are not perfect all of the time. Stop that. 

- Have fun. Stop being so serious all of the time. Run and jump in a puddle, act crazy, have fun with your babies they wont be this little all of the time. Be Silly. 

-Laugh. There are times when one of the kids breaks something and they know I'll be upset, and when they are scared when you find it, they have beaten themselves up enough... just hug them and get the cleaning supplies.

Make up the list as you go!

Heres a little fun photo shoot :)

"Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew Thee"...

            Most of my posts on here deal with the trials we are going through with our oldest daughter Madison, but today I am going to introduce our youngest into my blog.

 

Camryn Belle Weston <3 1/18/13

She is the baby, and we wanted her so badly :)

So that is her newborn pic, with Bentley and Madison :)

Madison came to visit me in the hospital when she was a day old and accidently passed RSV. Cammy Belle started out pretty tough. Honestly she has been pretty good nothing I couldn't handle, but always has been different then our other children. At 3 months she started having tremors, and she was put on medication, but after seeing what the medication was doing to her we quickly decided we could deal with the tremors but not her being a "zombie baby" with no emotion and she had lost her smile. Up until Sept she was doing great, no tremors or anything out of the ordinary.

She learned how to pull herself up, and the trouble began.

She would stand up, about 5 minutes later fall, and after picking her up she would look sleepy. For the first couple times I didn't think anything of it so I just put her down to bed.

Im a medical assistant so I didn't really notice much out of the ordinary and felt it was okay at the time, but then she did it at her grandma's house.

I was doing my clinicals for my degree so Grandma watched her mon-thurs. When I went to pick Cammy up her Grandma was really worried and asked if I had notice it. I told her that I just put her to bed but I would keep her awake next time. Twice she did it and snapped out of it pretty quick but I too was then worried for Cammy. I called the neurologist so suggested this was not a seizure and could not help.

One Sunday after church she did it again, but this time was different. for 25 minutes her eyes were rolling in the back of her head, she was limp no jerky movements but she was turning blue. I immediately called her Grandpa who lives pretty close and is a Physician.

As he arrived she was still in this thing ( I do not know what to call it)

She had no reflexes, no response to anything, including her pupils.

After a little while she just popped out of it, literally just rolled over and crawled away.

Monday I got a call saying she did it again and was in an ambulance on her way to the hospital.

 

                                  You can tell in her eyes something is wrong, I held her, sat in her crib and was by her side every second.

She just sad there a lot, breathing but no smiles or wanting to move.

 

 

 

 

 

We would watch Mormon.org a lot so I would put a different quote each day. Love this one!

 

Unfortunately the hospital could do nothing for us, so we were transported to the University of Iowa

We took walks and tried to stay positive!

 
 

 

We were later send home with inconclusive results, and what ever it was stopped... or so we think

 

She's growing like a weed!

 

Something extraordinary happened with this amazing baby. My 3 kids, and mother in law drove down to Dallas for a great visit with my family. My mother in law went to her brothers in Ft Worth and I went to Dallas with my mom, grandma and bubby and uncle. The second day we were there I ventured out on my own with the kids and took them to the Temple, may I say you people have a beautiful Temple. Mine is Nauvoo and I was sealed in Logan, I wish I could've done a session, but maybe next time. Before leaving my husband gave me a blessing to discern choices regarding our trip and our children. 

 

She started acting funny, again. Getting weird rashes, eyes rolling in the back of her head, but this time I was alone, my husband was not there. I could never find a second priesthood holder to bless my sick child. Within 5 minutes I decided to drive home 3 days early, and accepted we may not be able to get her a blessing, I wasn't sure if she would make it home without having to stop at a hospital, but I was going to try, I needed to get my baby home. I was in Ft Worth picking up my mother in law who was inside packing. I was freaking out in the drivers seat, so desperate for a blessing, but the temple was out of our way. Five or Ten minutes went by, I looked up and could see in the sliding glass door of a neighbor across the way. There stood a man in a suit, and I knew that it was a missionary. My heart was so full and I was in complete shock, I got out of my car and ran and looked into the door, normally I am not like this but I was so desperate, I seen the name tag and began to cry, and screamed in the door to please come out. The missionaries were just beginning a lesson. The owner came out and I begged to please see the missionaries, I told them I was a member and out of state that my daughter was so sick and needed a blessing, all while sobbing. The owner invited my daughter and I into their home and we sat down. Elder Espinoza anointed and Elder Johnson gave the most beautiful blessing I have ever heard, and in the middle he began to cry along with me. Today I finally called, Elder Johnson cannot talk on the phone because of his hearing, but I did get their emails. After the blessing I thanked them for being worthy to do such a great deed for my daughter, to me they are hero's, and sent for a reason. That appointment was no mistake. It took for me to choose all decisions correctly being lead by Heavenly Father to receive that blessing.

 

 

She can be a little stinker sometimes, but What a great testimony builder of how our Heavenly Father loves us each individually, and listens to our troubles no matter how big or small, and with his guidance we are lead to help, or to an answer. She had a fever for 4 straight weeks ranging from 101-105, and on two different antibiotics which didn't help. Went to a hospital three hours away from home, but with another blessing and much prayer she is once again better :)

 



 

"WHEN A TRAIN GOES THROUGH A TUNNEL AND IT GETS DARK, YOU DON'T THROW AWAY THE TICKET AND JUMP OFF. YOU SIT STILL AND TRUST THE ENGINEER." - CORRIE TEN BOOM

Baby Steps

It has been too long, I know that. I'm sorry for that, but its been so long because the road I'm going down just seems so hard. If we're being honest then I have to ask, Do you know what it is like to block out the thought of your own child because the very thought of your own child that you gave life to breaks your heart and within a split second brings a flood to your eyes?
       
Let me tell you exactly how pathetic I am at the very time. I am so pathetic that I have to ENDURE the weekend. Endure it, not soak in it or enjoy it. I hate it. Completely. Is that not the saddest thing you have ever heard of. It finally shook me to the core this weekend how absolutely pathetic and miserable I am. Friday Cameron was off of work and I had taken my tests early and this is (not including our tri to Florida) about the 6th or 7th weekend that I had woken up and felt the need to not get up. I wasn't needed, Bentley pretty much plays by himself fine and Cammy is pretty easy. I sat in my bed ALL DAY, not just all day but all weekend besides Sundays and just curled up in my bed, getting up twice for the bathroom and staying here until bedtime when I just roll over and go to sleep. Did I mention that I can no longer eat, yea it makes me sick. I can hardly handle the Ensure that I drink. I can not be not needed. I love the weekdays, I am so busy that I wake up and it goes by so quick that I'm in bed before I know it. Where I can go all day and not have to sit and think about my daughter that is 1000+ miles away. I cant handle the fact of not talking to her it kills me.

Last weekend my family and I flew down along with Bentley boog to visit. It was a great visit and way too short, but she wants to come home, and she voiced that plenty. There was a point when I was washing her hair after getting out of the pool, she turned to me (keeping in mind this is my 3 year old) and said Mom, please don't leave me, pretty please? I know I'm the only one that felt it but on this day I felt the world just stop turning. I paused but she sat there staring at me waiting for my reply, In that moment all I kept asking myself
What do you say?
What do you say to your three year old daughter when the words just are not there? I'm pretty sure I could feel my heart breaking as I looked in her big blue eyes knowing that we have one hour left before dropping her off, it made the sound comparable to ice cracking waiting to burst. I could feel my lip quiver and even though I wanted to tell her about how horrible and unfortunate it is that she has no choice and mommy has to leave her behind and its not my fault to please not be mad at me, I found a stronger side of me, the one that stopped my quivering lips, and the sadness and said baby you have a Birthday party here and we will be picking you up before you know it. Stay here for a little longer for mommy, please?
She went on with her bath and all and I was okay.
That hour went by and we put her in the van and of course the weak side of me couldn't hold the tears back, so I asked my father in law for the hotel key and I went inside for just a short minute, and even though I still could not find any words I began to pray. I had one of the most heartfelt prayers that a person could possibly have, and it was one word. All I could get out was the word Please. After a little bit of crying and all the tears went away and I right there in the hallway of the hotel bent over with my head in my hands left my burden at our Saviors feet. I felt so relieved. I wiped my eyes and walked back out was able to stay strong through the rest of the transition. I found the strength to get Maddie excited to go back though I secretly wished she felt sad about me going. That is when you are being a real parent and realizing your potential as a Daughter of our Heavenly Father, in the moments that you're completely broken down, and still have the ability to turn the other cheek. I'm not perfect, which is why when I started I put all of my flaws out there in the start of this blog, but its the baby steps that help me reach the potential I have to exercise my power as a Daughter of my Heavenly Father.

Feeling his love for us.

Today i took my daughter to a town about 20 mins away that i didnt know and for 45 mimutes my daughter walked along with me choosing people to hand a rose and a card to. This was such an amazing experience as i watched other people ask why and see their reactions for a 3 year old to say... i think you need a smile hand them a pretty rose and promptly walk away. It was amazing she would say mom i made them happy right? she put 3 of the roses and cards on car windshields which was cool to hide and see thier reaction. I love to watch our savior work through this little child. I decided to do this with her because i wanted to do something with her before she left that would teach her atleast one thing before going to a house without the church. The shock on peoples faces was great. She chose people at random and 3 cars and a mailbox. Below are pics of her before and a pic of what the card said. except it wont upload so ill do that now.... Im such a lucky mom. Sorry for any typos im on my phone.

 

She had red roses and a thank you card that said the following:

You have been chosen, not by me, but by my daughter to receive this letter. I’m not sure why she chose you, maybe because you just needed a smile or just a confirmation that someone cares and wants you to be happy and to have a great day today, and everyday. Thank you for being a part of our community, we appreciate and love you. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers though out the week. Thank you for allowing my small daughter Madison to be a vessel and feel her love for other people in the world to grow. Enjoy your day, may it be filled with smiles and laughs.

This is her first time ever doing this and I want you to know that no one else told us to do these things, I believe that through random acts of kindness and service to other we are able to soften our hearts, and truly learn the Savior’s love for us. May I testify to you that you are loved, you are a special part of this community. I believe that I am the line in the sand standing between my family and evil, and by teaching my daughter love, it will help her grow in service to others and create her own testimony of our Saviors love for us. Thank you for allowing her to do and learn these things.

Have a blessed day.

Victoria Weston

 

My trials do not define me.

After my last blog about Madison and Bentley playing together I literally got physically sick. I felt as if I was going to vomit any second and the spent yet another night crying something aweful. Lucky me. My husband sat me up (I didn't want to move) and we prayed together. Then something strange happened. I was completely overcome with bad emotions. I went from crying and feeling sorry for myself to hating the fact that she has to leave to complaining about my life you aould not believe the thoughts that consumed my mind. It changed my attitude completely I never have seem this side of myself. I realized what I was doing.

This reminded me of a time when I was pregnant with cammy our youngest and I was having this horrible day. I ran late for a very important meeting for my honors program and so then I sped and got a 200.00 ticket and then made it to school late and was kicked out of my program and then I failed an exam and then I lost my husbands 375.00 sunglases. .  It was a bad day so I went and got a cherry coke with tears streaming down my face I stirred my coke and look out side and began naming my blessings.
The temple
Sealed
House
Car
Companionship
Healthy babies
And then I named KFC's mashed potatoes (my craving)
And I smiled. I found a smile on a horrible day. It was amazing

So anyways last night after noticing my thoughts I stopped and just apologized to my Heavenly Father and told his i love my life and know he will help me through it abd then i repeated my trials will not define me. My trials will not define me. My trials will not define me. I fell asleep saying that in my head.
This morning I felt okay not physically sick but emotionally drained. Not to mention it is finals week. So I flipped through my Book of Mormon and this is what jumped out:
Mosiah 24
13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

Thank you Book of Morman (happy dance) always has my back!
So in closing:
MY TRIALS WILL NOT DEFINE ME.

I'm not alone in my suffering.

The other night I realized something quite silly... I am mot the only one that will miss our beloved daughter. Last night and we put our two oldest to bed, our son Bentley quickly ran into his sisters bed and began jumping on it, of course Madison joined him... we all had this joyous moment together. Cameron and I were laughing and Bentley and Madison were having such a great time. It soon came to an end as it was time for bed. As they stopped jumping in that moment I realized how much Bentley loved his darling sister and how close they were. They love each other so much. I couldn't help but for my heart to ache for our sweet boy. The exact thought to enter my head was... "They don't even know what will take place in 11 short days." I feel so bad for him. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder how he will feel and in what moment will he realize she is no longer here with us. I pray that he will remember her and not get too depressed. I wish this didn't have to happen.  My heart hurts not only for myself but for my children, all three of them and my husband who tries to stay strong just the same. 

Why is it getting so close?

A couple of weeks before we always go on the our family wizard website (in which we communicate) and ill write Madison's activities and some of her favorites, and certain things I like them to know, since she isn't there often and they do not have her for more than a couple of days through the holidays I keep them updated. Writing this today makes it all so real, and makes me sad and I cried the whole time. It stinks and it hurts. I know ill be okay, we are sealed and we will get through this.


-peanut butter
-fruit fruit fruit
apples
especially strawberries
cantaloupe
bananas
-chocolate milk has to be chocolate or strawberry she settles for nothing less. the dentist says that at night only water. Seriously. ONLY WATER. if she comes back with rotten teeth I blame you >.>
-pizza peperoni
-noodles drained with Italian dressing, if you want to know more text me
-steak with A1
- Bratwurst yumm!
-spaghetti
-bacon
-reses cereal
-cinn toast crunch cereal
if you give her lucky charms mike she will only eat the marshmallows.

read to her at night, make sure you tell her how much mommy loves misses her
don't let her forget her brother and other sister. Oh and Loki, he's important too.
She loves surprise kisses and random hugs, I like to squeeze extra tight just so she feels it :)
if you do this you will find that she will come up to you and do this all the time and its the cutest thing
she loves "nose"  kisses where you rub your nose on hers. Also I like to say maddie how much does mommy
love you and she will get a huge grin and open her arms as wide as she can and ill say that's sooo much and she
will run and knock you down and hug you.
Keep her manners up to par. If she doesn't say thank you say, what do you say? or tell her to ask nicely.
if you keep the tv on she will stay up all night. limit to one or two shows.
try to get her to make her bed in the morning, she isn't potty trained through the night just yet so pull ups are good she will tell you when she has to go